The Big 2.0

20 is just a number, except when you're me and 20 is no longer just a number but an abstract concept that scares me and that I don't want to approach. However there is no running away from 20, and it's right there waiting for you with open arms (that have deadly spikes on it) ready to hug you, just like how 30 is waiting and how 40 is waiting too. If I could, I would run away from 30 and 40, and run back to when naptime was allotted so that I don't have to feel so guilty that I wasted 4 hours on sleep (yes, I nap for 4 hours).

And because I'm Yushi, I like to make lists, so here is a list of things I hope my 20s will be, or not, since you know, for some reason I never am able to completely follow through on my lists (see example: my summer 2015 things to do list).

▽ freedom, lots of freedom, lots of exploring other cities, and lots of living not in one place
▽ friends, not lots of friends, but enough so that I don't feel lonely and wallow in my sadness
▽ family, to be with my brother a lot, to go on lots of family trips
▽ love, lots of love, or maybe not lots of love...
▽ lots of creativity, especially with this space right here, to do more of what I'm doing with this space right now and to explore other possible formats (look into photography!)
▽ happiness, lots of exploring of what this stupid word means, and if I'm able to fully achieve it, and if when I have achieved it, what next?

This list can basically be summed up as "lots of" everything. I have these years to just do absolutely anything, so why shouldn't I? Who can stop me? Certainly not you, or me.

We are only bound by limits that we have placed upon ourselves. When we have realized that really there is no boundaries, wouldn't that mean that we are truly limitless? That means from now on, we can only go up.

Cheers, and happy birthday to all my fellow Leos, Virgos, and August babies.

♚ Yushi

Expectations vs. Reality: Turning 20

So I'm 20. I've lived 2 decades on this planet, trudging along, living a semi fulfilling life. I've also thought a lot about what being 20 would be like since everyone says that being 20 is the shit.
But after a day of being into the third decade of my life, I'm gonna have to say that my expectations are not met.

I thought that the twenties mean that I will suddenly become super duper chic like the Youtube style gurus (ie. Clothesencounters, Heyclaire, Soothingsista...), who are all coincidentally in their 20s, and for some reason, my life will be super fabulous. Maybe there will be a duckling to swan transformation in there somewhere too. Anyways, needless to say, that haven't happened yet. Instead, I studied Spanish and watched kdramas, swooning over how attractive the main leads are. Nothing has changed in the slightest. 

Aging means auto maturity right? The higher your number, the more life experiences you have and thus the more wise. Turning twenty was supposed to be the moment when I discovered the answer to all of life's mysteries and perhaps even discover myself, save up money for retirement, and invest in mutual funds to ensure that I'll have enough money for my kids to go to college (university). Basically abandon all the angst that plagued my "teenage years" and embrace the responsibilities of being a "real adult". After all, adults don't angst.  Instead, I still cried as I re-watched How to Train Your Dragon for the 3rd time and pondered my future, embracing the quarter life crisis as the clock striked 12am. 

In my mind, being 20 means that I've stepped over the line that divides children and adults. When you tell someone you're 20, the reaction that people have (at least my reaction) is that you're no longer a teen and you're actually kind of a grown up. It's weird and sort of unreasonable considering a couple minutes ago, I was still a teenager. Not looking like a full fledged adult human doesn't help the mini internal identity crisis either.

The point I'm trying to get at (if I'm trying to get at any point at all) is that age doesn't really mean anything and I don't know what adulting means yet and feeling like I should is giving me anxiety and the desire to order more wine at restaurants (RIP wallet)...

So maybe when I finished my 3rd decade, I'll find out what adulting is supposed to be like. I will report back with findings. As for right now, I'm going to eat an entire tub of ice-cream while marathoning my favourite kdrama (maybe order pizza) because my metabolism can still handle it.


♚ Cindy